For the last few mornings, I've been trying out something I taught to a group of people in May. When I pray, I pray the Lord's Prayerand pause between the words and sentences to reflect and pray specifically for the particulars. For instance, when I pray, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" I ask God to reveal in my heart the people I have not forgiven or people I am hard-hearted toward so that I may repent. Praying in this way has been a great experience for me and I hope that it continues to deepen my fellowship with God.
The part of the Lord's Prayer that has tripped me up during the last couple of mornings is "Give us this day our daily bread." I confess: I don't trust God for my daily sustenence. I have never wondered when and where my next meal would come from. I'm not bragging. It is the reality for a middle-class white American.
I'm afraid it is killing my soul.
It's killing my soul because it makes my ability to provide all the things I want and need a functional idol. "You shall have no other gods before me." Well, guess what? I've got a pretty sweet looking image of myself imprinted on my heart because oftentimes I trust in me more than I trust in God. I feel stupid for having written that, but it is a confession.
I have not asked God to put me in a position to find food on a daily basis - I'm still too comfortable for that. I am asking God to keep me from being lulled into believing that I can handle some stuff in life and God will handle the rest. Have I ever felt completely dependent upon God for everything? Have you? I feel that must be a terrifying territory to live in but one a part of me really wants to know. The intimacy must be amazing. The selflessness must be liberating. The ability to love others with no fear or anxiety must be what we have been designed for.
I don't know about you, but I'm praying just a little bit more everyday to know the joy of completely depending upon God. The break-up of my relationship with myself is sure to be painful, but more of Jesus and less of me is good for the world.